Dear Infertility.....

Dear Infertility,
I am over you. I will no longer let you consume my life. My world will no longer revolve around you and what "cycle day" it is and do I have enough tests. I thought the Holidays would be so hard this year, because we were sure by this time we would be pregnant or  even holding our own baby. But it hasn't been, I'm ok with not being pregnant, I'm ok with not having a baby. Of course more than anything my heart desires to have a child, BUT only when God sees fit. We do not understand God's will or his timing but he has our best interest at heart. I do not want to look back and regret time wasted being mad or upset. It doesn't mean that I am not still hurt, or that some days I still want to scream, its just getting easier to deal with. We have the best support system we could ask for, and at the end of the day these things are what matter. I am so thankful for my family and my husband, I am so thankful for my friends and my job. I am especially thankful for God's plan in our life. So infertility kiss it.. :)

It has to get easier

It has been a while since I have posted anything. This is my first month off infertility meds and I am feeling great. I have lost 6 pounds. I am still sad, and struggling but I am ok. I know that my heart will never heal until we have a child or adopt but it is getting a little easier everyday. I have been going to Zumba twice a week with some friends and its a great stress reliever. Its fun for our hubby's too because they get a break from us. LOL. My best friend is getting married next year and I have been consumed with planning her wedding so that has helped. We went and looked at dresses Saturday and had a great time. She is going to be a beautiful bride and has fabulous taste in wedding ideas. I have to say though, I was trying to have a good time and think about all the great things going on in our life, when it hit me. I saw all these mothers and brides and mother-in-laws looking so happy and sharing this special moment, and I realized I may never have this. It absolutely broke my heart. That's the thing with IF you never know when its going to hit, the littlest things trigger it and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I am having a harder time this month than I thought I would, but I am only human and I have got to stop thinking being strong is my only option. I have realized it's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad, it's even ok to mad. I know that God will see us through and everything he is doing is in our best interest, and I am not suppose to understand. One day I will look back at this time in our life and laugh and think wow, that's why. I also am feeling a strong pull towards going forward with adoption. On one hand I think its a little premature but on another I feel like that's in the cards for us, so why wait. God has sent two people to me in the past week with very similar stories and adoption stories that have really pulled on my heart. I am letting go and letting GOD.

even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger....

I got the phone call today that I was dreading. I didn't ovulate, like I thought I did. My levels are very low so there is no way that I could be pregnant. I had been thinking for the past few weeks, about taking a breather from all this. So we have decided through the holidays we are not going to take infertility meds. I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The first time we discussed this, I felt like we were giving up. I hated feeling like I had been defeated but I have learned that we are not giving up. We are just taking time to prepare for a sweet baby that we know God will bless us with. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to let go, and that is where I am right now. I know that if we do not try treatments and see specialist  and never conceive I would regret it the rest of my life but I also know that if I do not step away from the situation for a few months and gather my thoughts that one day I will regret spending my newlywed years obsessed with having a child. Before the infertility it was just me and Heath, and in the end I am content with that. I want nothing more than to have a child, but my marriage is just as important if not more than conceiving. I have such a wonderful husband who has never once not wanted to try any of these treatments and he continues to be supportive and always tells me its my choice, my body. I am so thankful to have the support group that I do. I do have the say it felt nice to throw those stupid ovulation test away.. Gah I'm such a rebel... HAHA. I would appreciate every ones prayers for the next 2 months for God to lead us in the direction that he feels fit for our lives. I do think we will continue were we left off, but I am just not sure how soon.

Sorry Officer, I just ovulated

Well  I am on CD 13 and this is going to be a long 2ww. I am so excited about this month, I feel like a kid waiting on Christmas. I have been testing since CD 7, assuming it would be at least CD 15 or later before ovulation, not this month I had a positive reading on CD 12! It was a crazy day, I had to work late, I had my Aunt and Uncles housewarming shower, so I was having to test early because I would have been on the road at 2:00. So I am running out the door with my ovulation test in my napkin trying to get to Jemison. I am driving down the road on the phone and forgot that I had to check my test, so I look at the test and it was a bright as they come! I almost hit the car in front of me, there was a cop behind me so I was trying to think of how I could explain to the cop why I was distracted! All in all it was a great day! I do not go to the doctor until November 1, and I want know anything until later that week, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed! It would absolutely wonderful to be pregnant around the holidays, but I want God's will and timing if he sees fit for me to pregnant later, then so be it.

HaPPiNeSS

So I'm on CD 10 and I have started "testing". I have been getting some decent lines so Im sure that ovulation is on the way ;). I know that I am probably getting my hopes up, but I have such a good feeling about this month. I guess I am just being optimistic! I really am starting to understand more of the "why me" with the infertility issue. I have met so many special friends that I would not have if not for this awful disease. (If anyone is wondering it is considered a disease of the reproductive organs). I have had a few friends that I started the journey with, and a few friends I have met along the way. I have one who has become very special to Heath and I rather quickly and more recently. This couple is starting IVF very soon and with this not so casual decision comes alot of questions and paperwork. You have to actually designate a recipient of your embryos if something should happen to you and your spouse. We have been chosen by these friends to receive the embryos. I am so completely honored that someone feels that we are worthy of raising a part of them. It really got me thinking about how God works so mysteriously behind the scenes. While we are not watching things change and grow. If not for my infertility I would not be close to this friend. If not for infertility Heath and I would not have grown into the couple we have become. If not for infertility then I do not think I would have been the parent that IM GOING TO BE! I already have so much love for a child that has not even been conceived, I can only imagine the feeling of knowing that I have a child on the way but I also feel like that I do not have to be pregnant to be a mother, I just want to raise a child.

happy wife.. happy life hehe

Well I am only on cd 7 and I am so ready for this one to end. Not because I don't feel good, or because Im tired of all this (although Iam) I have a reallllly good feeling about this month! For the past few months I have been so upset if someone says, "maybe this is the month" all I could think is how dare you, you have no idea whats its like to dread going to the bathroom! LOL But I think I have come to the conclusion- What do I have to lose???? Why not be happy and look forward to it for a few months. It still hurts at the end of the month but for the first few weeks to be happy, its worth it! So I have to start testing today, with the stupid ovulation tests that I boycotted! I was in Walmart and I couldn't find our new best friend (Clear Blue digital). I found first response and on the top it said DIGITAL! So being naive and not reading I got it, come to find out it was just a coupon for a digital PG test so its still the same old test that I hate.

rose colored glasses... not so much

Today is CD 1 and I have started my 3rd round of Clomid. They have doubled my dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg. I was hoping this month would go as easy as the last two, but for me it seems double the dose- double the side effects. I have been so nauseous today, and sooo tired. I honestly could go to bed right now, and I probably will when I am through typing this.. LOL.I am sure when Im preggers I will look back at this and realize how small this is compared to some things but right now this could possibly be the worst thing in my life. There are so many things that I see differently now, and I honestly cannot help it, it just comes. Now when I see a pregnant woman I don't smile or walk past thinking how cute she is pregnant, I think why not me, when I see a Dad and his son I don't think about when I was little, I think why can't I give my husband that, when I see Grandparents with their grandchildren it makes me so sad that my parents and Heath's parents don't have that, and they may not.. That's the thing about IF that no one understands until you've been there, it DOESN'T always get better. Yeah there are people who over come this but its not a guarantee. Yes there is always adoption and IVF but those are not casual decisions. I just pray that God continues to give me strength, because he is the only one who can heal my soul and give me peace.

the waiting game....

Well on Wednesday of last week, I had my progesterone injection. It was soooo much better than orally taking Provera. While I was on Provera I would get so so sick that I was almost non functional, but the only side effect of the injection has been mood swings, which my hubby can handle better than me being sick.I am currently in the waiting game, waiting on AF so we can try 100mg of Clomid. The past two months we have been on 50 mg. So I hope 100 is the magic number! It is hard to believe we only have 3 months left before more extensive treatment will be explored. I purchased my "thread" the other day, I am having a hard time getting the link to post! It is stirrup-queens infertilitys common thread, it is an article definitely worth reading! I think its safe to say that when they say tattoos are "addicting" they are correct. I have already been to have mine next tat priced and drawn! I am really excited about this one, its just one more daily reminder of God's promise that he will fill my hearts desire in his time.

Well they say 3rd times a charm... lets hope so!

Well looks like we will be going for round 3 of Clomid. Last month was great, I was so excited that I ovulated, I think I would have told complete strangers if it was appropriate, this month not so much I wanted to hide in a cave and never come out. I felt this way for about 2 weeks, until today. I have been taking for granted so many things that I am blessed with. I have such a precious husband who loves me on good days and bad. He always knows what to say to make me feel better. I have such a great family, my mother is so special to me, she is truly my best friend, I know that if everyone in the world hated me, she could still find something for me to be thankful for. My dad is such a strong inspiration to me because he has always been my rock, he has never let anything defeat him, he is my iron man. I have a loving brother who would die for me if it meant that it would help me. I have been so consumed with our infertility that I had forgotten all the small things that made me who I am. Baby or no baby I have a great life and I am so very thankful for it. I have to get my hormone shot Wednesday... I hate these things but its only once a month. The doctor decided to up my dosage from 50mg to 100mg I realllly hope the side effects do not get worse. Its hard to believe that we are going on 3 months, but some days it feels like a life time. We will see how this month goes we just gotta pray and see what GOD has planned :)

well its that time again

Well tomorrow is my cd 21 follow up, any other time I would be ecstatic to see what they said. I would be telling the doctor I found the perfect day, and Ive been nauseous, could it be PG!?!? or is it just because I ovulated. Well not this time, I get to drive all the way to Brookwood at 7 am just for them to poke and probe and tell me what I already know... Im not PG and I didn't ovulate. Oh well I know it could be worse and its just "not my time" so you don't have to tell me*insert sarcasm here*. I also found a song that absolutely tells how I feel. It is " I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey. It is such a powerful song that really spoke to me this morning.  I have to say the tattoo I got last week has really come in use this week. I can honestly say its a wonderful reminder of what we have been through and what is to come. I am very happy with it, and its has already served its purpose well!

staying strong is easier said that done

So today is cd 18, and it appears my meds didn't work this month. This can happen although I really hoped since they worked last month that this month would be the same. There is still a VERY small chance I could have missed my LH surge or could still ovulate today or tomorrow. I am not going to test anymore this cycle, I think it would be good for me just to take a break from it. It is what it is, so why worry. I know that God has a plan and I have turned it over to him but just because we know this doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. IF makes you feel inadequate, why is that a things so small as a bug can reproduce and I cant? It is completely different than when you are ttc and not knowing there are problems, you still get excited on cd 28 because you didn't start or on cd 22 you were nauseous, but for us our glimmer of hope is crushed on cd 13-18. When you don't ovulate there is no egg to be fertilized so I have to wait 2 weeks before my next period to start more meds and start this tiring process all over again. I am trying to take one day at a time but its alot easier said that done. I am trying with all my heart to be strong and not give up but as before that is easier said than done. I KNOW God has a plan , I KNOW that his timing is better than mine.. I KNOW that he can do miracles, but it still hurts, it still feels like you are in a closed room yelling and no one can hear you. All I can do know is just pray for peace and strength.

sometimes it gets overwhelming....

So today is CD 17 and last month CD 16 was the "day". Well this month it was not! I am not sure if I am going to be a day later or not. I am new to all this so this I just assumed that it would be around the same.. Oh well. It gets so overwhelming because everyone says don't worry bout, don't think about it, have fun, well its kinda hard to do any of these when you are having to track everything you do. Here in the past week I have heard of a pregnancy everyday! I mean dang I think when it rains it pours.. LOL I was really hoping this month would be the month for us not just because we have been dealing with IF for so long but there would be a special due date. My uncle died 8 years ago on June 14, my birthday is June 15, and the due date would be roughly between June 12-17. I just thought you it would have been a happy time for us and my family for once around that time of the year.

CD 15 not feeling so good

So today is cd 15 I ovulated on cd 16 last month and I really hope this continues. I am having headaches like I did last month and the same "symptoms". I am having to test daily and the worst part is that I have to test between 10:00 and 12:00 so I am having to test during work. Which I work with great girls and they keep it from being so awkward. I just know they get tired of hearing about it. I think this is the first month in a long time that I am truly at peace with this whole thing. I guess we have just "accepted" that this could be our life, just us and Im ok with that. I know its still so early in our treatment but I just don't know how far I want to go with it. I think there is nothing wrong with IUI OR IVF I just don't know if I want to go there right now. I use to say that I would never do Fertility Drugs because if God wanted me to have a baby I would, well we all know he has a sense of humor ;) .This experience has changed my perception so much. How dare we as humans think that we can "interfere" with GODS will. No life is created without his hand, he breathes the life in us and we can do all the medicine in the world but if its not his WILL it won't happen. I think that is the one of the many things I hate hearing about IF, I hate to hear close minded opinions on something that you are not having to go through, when you are taking medicine that makes you crazy, have hot flashes, and want to kill someone around you then you can tell me what I should or shouldn't do :).

I think Im in love... ok not literally but kinda close

So last month was our first round of clomid. This is month two and when you are prescribed an IF drug there are things that come with it. You can't just forget about pregnancy and "hope " it works, As much as I wish this was true it isnt. So some of things include tracking your cycles, ovualtion testing, temp. checks. bloodwork, etc. I used the First Response Ovulation tests last month. I loved how they had so many in a bag considering you pay $50.00 for something that could help or not help but thats beside the point. All we wanted was that postitive ovulation, if we could just get that we would be happy for the month. Well we did, I was so excited just to be normal, for once I did something I had never done and that was a great feeling. What I hated about the test was that the resembled pregnancy test so much, They are just like a pg test, they have two pink lines and when both lines are the brightest then you are ovulating. Well when you are going through IF and KNOW that you may NEVER get two pink lines it is hard to look at them for two weeks then go right back to one line on the BFN pg test! So we have boycotted First Response (LOL) and I have found a new love by the name of Clear Blue DIGITAL Ovulation Test. It is so easy and it is either a smiley face if you are ovulating and if not then its just a circle. It has been a much easier thing to do this month.

CD 13

Well Today is cd 13.  I am due for ovualtion any day now. Last month it was on day 16 but with this being so sparatic all the time I never know I just basically have to test everyday 2 times just to make sure I dont miss the big moment! Infertlity meds have pretty rough side effects, I have had really bad headaches and hot flashes. Last month I just had hot flashes and nausea. I am glad to be rid of the nausea but man these headaches are pretty intense. I go to the doctor to have my progesterone levels checked on CD 21, which completely messes up my schedule because I have to drive all the way to Brookwood at 8 am  then come back to work! But on a better note I think I could have completely lost my mind today.. LOL  I just went spur of the moment and got a tattoo! I love it though I got "FAITH" in Hebrew. I chose it because everytime I look at it I think about Gods plan for our lives and how we are living on 'Faith alone' right now which is were I got my blog name. I asked Heath if I could tell the doctor one of my side effects this month was getting a tattoo! LOL