tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10706171415568738572024-03-08T00:27:24.864-08:00Living on Faith aloneJohn 13:7
and Jesus replied.."You may not realize what I'm doing now but later you will understand."Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-28415720682392038602014-02-05T12:20:00.000-08:002014-02-05T12:21:46.689-08:00"Dear Lord, prepare and make me a vessel"So, I am about to tell you a story of how God has taken heartache and turned into beauty. I still have a hard time comprehending the love that was invloved on many ends. So hear goes.....<br />
As you know, my sweet G is adopted. Through his adoption I have had the privlege of meeting and speaking with many people who I wouldnt have had G not entered my life. I have gained and lost many friends through the years. A lot due to me not being able to deal with the life around me. Oe friend that did stick is Tiffeny. Maybe because we were both so far gone we could understand each other. Maybe because our conversation s only consisted of our disgust for bad parenting or pregnant women who didnt appreciate the ability to conceive. I know one thing that is certain, that God kept that friendship around for reasons we wouldnt have ever fathomed.<br />
Over the past 2 years I have prayed for God to open the door for Gunner to one day be joined by a sibling. I have had the privlege of speaking with a few birth moms, all whom couragesly chose to keep their precious babies. With my job I come in contact with several walks of life on a daily basis. I recieved a call the week before Christmas. It was a birth mom who obtained my info with hopes of us adopting her soon to be born son. Heath and I discussed it and deciced to give it a try. All night I laid and couldnt get any sleep. I kept asking God, what shoukd I do? You know my heart, you know how badly we want a sibling for Gunner? Why am I not excited and grateful. I prayed for God to give me peace or show me the purpose of that call. When I finally drifted off to sleep I saw Tiffeny holding a baby and crying. My heart was happy and I was in tears as well. I woke up and realized what thidmmeant. Selfishly I laid there and pondered what I knew needed to be done. I woke Heath up asked him what he thought of my plan. He was in agreeance. It was midnight but I knew I couldnt wait until morning to call. When Tiffeny answered I was nervous. I thought for sure she was going to think I had really lost it. Within a day she knew her prayers had been answered and would soon be a mommy. The past month has shown me that God can use anyone you just have to be willing to do what he asks even when your head is questioning your heart. Seeing a deserving person become a mother is so wonderful. I have come to the realzation that every child that comes into my path may not br mine anf that is ok. God took an impossible and made it possible once again and I am honored I could be apart of it. Baby James you are a miracle and loved by so many. One day you will tell your story and know that God has a hand in your life.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-40301299609648471152013-08-18T19:49:00.000-07:002013-08-18T19:49:08.305-07:00the best years of your life are far from overWith school starting back up tomorrow I can't help but think back on my 'glory' days. Many moons ago I stumbled into Shelby County High School as a preppy, snotty, smart mouthed teenager. I thought I was invincible. I had many friends, I was very involved with extra curricular activities, and I was secretly terrified. I had so many expectations of how my life would turn out. I would graduate, go to college, party it up, join a sorority, and meet some hot athlete who would eventually go pro. With all this in my mind, life looked pretty awesome. I would eventually settle down, have as many babies as God would give me and be super mom. High school is rough no doubt. Everyone tells you 'these are the best days of your lives' and I have to disagree. That snotty, smart mouthed teen has grown up and been through the ringer and I have you know 'the best days of your lives' are far from over. One day you are fearless headed into the real world, the next you are knocked down with reality and the bittersweet of life as an adult. You realize you are lucky to have a handful of good friends, and maybe one or two best friends. You realize words hurt when you aren't the one spewing them out. You realize that all these plans you had or no more than day dreams. When you get married at 19 because you are so in love you couldn't imagine another day without them and you swore you never would marry before you 'lived a little.' You grow up with your spouse in the big old world and learn that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people and there isn't really anything you can do about it. In the middle of all this chaos something happens. You grow up,you mature, and you realize how completely and undeservingly blessed you are. Every trial and tribulation is preparing you for what's to come. When life comes together it all fits like a puzzle and their are still a few missing pieces but you know not to worry, in due time they will come. You take a deep breath and realize these are the best years of your life. Every day is a gift not to be taken for granted. The best days of your lives are everyday from here on out. It only gets better, you just have to choose to see the good even when it seems impossible.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-66365279136325844602013-04-12T19:15:00.001-07:002013-04-12T19:15:30.121-07:00I will wait for you...<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It has been a few weeks since I have time to post but I finally have a little mommy time tonight so here goes! ;)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">I do a lot of my soul searching while driving. Sometimes I have the radio blasting and sometimes it is completely silent. A few weeks ago I was driving down 42, it is a long country road. I was listening to Mumford and Sons " I will wait, I will wait for you" and singing along. All day I had been thinking of how I wanted Gunner to have siblings and how my whole life I had planned every little detail of how many children, how close in age etc. Well lets just be real... the chances of us birthing Gunner a sibling is slim to none and adoption is not an easy task. Yes it can be done but it is quite pricey and we were just unbelievably blessed the first go around. I was getting sadder and sadder allowing the devil to steal my joy. I promise God spoke to me through song. I was singing and as I said the words " I will wait for you" God reminded me of how we waited for Gunner and how it payed off. It was like he was telling me, be still child, I will provide the desires of your heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God WILL provide Gunner with brothers and or sisters. I will be a mother again and what a joyful day that will be. So all this is said because today I was driving down 42 again.. this road must be my portal to God ;)... I was in complete silence. I got to thinking of how we have a gender reveal party for my sis-in-law this weekend. I am all about honesty and I am gonna give it straight.. I was a little jealous in my thoughts. I kept thinking, we should be trying for a baby now with the age Gunner is if my plans had played out. I always wanted to have my babies close in age. All of my friends constantly talk about when they will try for more, or how long they want to wait. It is sometimes akward because we don't really have that option. Of course people innocently ask now, " When do you want another one"? Well obviously anytime, we will take what we can get! I was just thinking of how I wanted Gunner to have a buddy close to his age, a little sister to take care of or a little brother to show how to play ball or camp out. Immediately God spoke to me again... I realized my plans may not have panned out but God did the next best thing. He is giving Gunner a little cousin in September. That will be like a sibling to Gunner. God did answer my prayer, he is giving a beautiful baby to wonderful parents and Gunner a best friend. See sometimes plans don't work out the way we orignally want but they always work out best in Gods timing. What I am trying to say is, God has a wonderful plan if we will just accept it and go along for the ride things always make more sense in rewind. I am so thankful that even when I am down or not so optimistic God picks me up and shows me a different light. None the less we are so greatful for our sweet baby and if that is the only baby in our little family he is plenty, our hearts are full! That child has brought more smiles, laughter, and love to my life than I will ever be able to explain.</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-55474432442339827932013-03-03T16:31:00.000-08:002013-03-03T16:31:50.955-08:00And on the night, they found a miracle<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So many know the story of my sweet Gunner's arrival into the world and many don't. As I have said before God gave me a testimony and I feel like I am supposed to tell it. With that being said I will tell you a little story of how we stumbled upon a miracle. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;">Lets start with June 24,2012. It was a normal day, we had breakfast with some friends, did some shopping and planned to have a "lazy day". It was around 3 pm and I saw on facebook where a friend was in labor. I was also having horrible pains which I was assuming was my endometriosis acting up. I was so sad, we were sitting there childless, in pain at that while everyone around us was having babies. I went to bed that night with such a heavy heart, I was so broken down and honestly did not know if I could stand the pain anymore. I realized my marriage was failing, my body was failing, and there was not a thing I could do about it. Then I remembered I couldn't but God could. It had beeen a long time since God and I were on civil speaking terms. I prayed so hard that night, I apologized mainly for being such a brat when I was indeed blessed and was choosing not to see that. I prayed for God to heal my heart, take the pain, and bless us with a child IN HIS TIME. I gave it away, for the first time in a long time I gave it up and let it go. I was so tired, I was so weak, I knew I couldn't continue this heart wrenching journey. I went to bed more peacefully than I ever had before. The next morning Heath got up extremely early. It alarmed me and he said he was just going to water the flowers and have some "me" time. Around 8:30 I woke up for the day and recieved a message from a family friend. It read please call ASAP. I immediately assumed the worst and was honestly scared to call. I called anyways, I can remember standing in my living room when the other line picked up. I was a nervous wreck already and she said" I don't really know how to say this but are you intresting in adopting"? I was taken back for a second, really not sure how to answer. I said "Of course we are intrested but we don't really have the income right now and I am a little confused". She went on to tell me of a little boy who was needing a home, he was only a day old and was completely heatlhy and unexpected.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia;">I immediately went into tears, I explained I needed to speak with Heath but we were very interested. I called my mom, she was in such shock she couldn't believe what I was saying, I called my mother in law and all she could do was cry. I was patiently waiting on Heath to call me on his morning break. He called, I of course could not stop the water works, he said we would need to talk about this when he got home because this was not a rash decision to be made. I recieved another phone call from the family friend wanting to know if I wanted to meet the baby and birth mother. I thought about it and headed to the hospital. Heath had no idea I had went to meet our son, he thought I would be waiting on him at home. The moment I held Gunner he was mine. I had an immediate bond that I knew was only between a momma and a baby. Heath called in the middle of this "bonding" time. He was sorta mad at first, he couldn't believe that I had went without him and was scared that this was to good to be true. Heath came to the hospital and knew the moment he held him that we were taking him home. That night we were put in our own room and was holding our baby boy, a family completed. That night Heath told me, "remember when I told you I was watering flowers? I was actually praying, praying for a baby". It hit me all at once, God had answered my prayer, the prayer I had prayed only one night before. That is the kind of God I serve. As a christian I know that there will be heartache and things will not always be rosy, but God makes all the trials well worth it. If it wasn't for the rain, we could not appreciate the rainbow. There is no greater peace than after a storm. I am so thankful God never gave up on me, he never treated me the way I treated him, and he loved me through it. So as you can see, we have us a miracle.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia;"></span><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-42900311096177977572013-02-26T17:53:00.002-08:002013-02-26T17:53:58.604-08:00How Great is our God!Since my last post, so much has changed. I am now a mother. The reason I started this blog was for infertility. I was angry, I was sad, I was depressed and I was broken. I became a mother June 25, 2012 via adoption. I am so thankful God did not treat me the way I treated him. Our beautiful son Gunner Lee Smith was born on June 24,2012. We met him when he was a day old. I could not ask for a more perfect gift from God. I knew when God gave me this story of infertility he had a plan for my life but I honestly did not realize how great a plan it was. I had prayed from the beginning for God to give me a beautiful story and oh how sweet and beautiful is our story. Gunner was not planned by his precious birth mother, and she wanted more for her sweet boy. I am so grateful God put her in our life. Although it is a closed adoption if Gunner chooses to know her one day we will completely support his decision. I know that when God created Gunner he created him for us. He looks like us, he acts like us, he loves like us, and he is such a happy baby. They say if you feed someone for long enough they will start to resemble you, I guess that is true.. lol. I want Gunner to know how special he is. He was chosen by God and by our family.Adoption is a precious gift from God and I am honored to be a part of it. I hope this blog will continue to help my friends with IF and maybe inspire them to take te next step towards adoption. God gave me a testimony and I intend on telling anyone who will listen.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-1786329778713694952011-02-23T15:35:00.000-08:002011-02-23T15:37:58.606-08:00<span style="font-size: large;">I was actually getting on here to dwell in my own self pity, which I haven't really done in a while. Well of course when I think things are just not going the way they should God sends reality to smack me in the face. So many times we are so self consumed that we don't notice God working around us. #1 Heath got a fantastic report from the doctor today, many times she told him how "lucky" he was to still have his fingers and still have mobility. #2 I sign on to start my blog and decide I am gonna blog stalk some people. I never really just browse blogs, but I decided to tonight. I am glancing and the first two blogs that pop up happen to be a little 4 year old girl with leukemia and a 37 year old woman with Breast Cancer. It makes me feel so blessed and appreciative that we are not on that kind of journey. If this is the worst thing our marriage will face in the future, wow we have it made. So many times we think things cannot be any worse or how dare things not go our way, but the reality is that so many times we are taking for granted what so many wish to have. I may be wishing for a baby, but someone else could be just wanting a safe and stable home or a cure to their disease. I use to ask WHY so many times to God, but now I am seeing that maybe this infertlity journey has nothing to do with babies. I am seeing that it opens your eyes to see that sometimes people around you are hurting and need someone just as much as you do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Today is our 3 year anniversary. I am so thnakful to have such a sweet husband, we went shopping and had lunch at Chuy's. We had never ate there and decided we wanted something different, and it was very good. They have fabulous raspberry margaritas also. I enjoyed spending the day with Heath, I have always wanted a pair of costa sunglasses, but never really wanted to spend the money on them, so Heath talked me into buying some today. It is hard to believe we have been married for 3 years, somedays it seems like yesterday and somedays it seems like we have been married for 10 years. I am so thankful for my relationship with my husband, we have a very open relationship and I feel like I can talk to him about anything, from my friends hurting my feelings to what I am going to wear to work. He is defintely a blessing to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We have started back on birth control. It makes me sick and I honestly hate taking it, but I know that I need something to regulate my periods and hormones. It's either birth control or fertility drugs, I am just not ready for the fertility drugs right now, things just seem so calm and peaceful I don't won't to disrupt what we have for now. I know that Heath is fine with doing either of these but the Clomid makes me so ill, bloated, and emotional and right now he needs me more than I need the fertility drugs. I am going to continue to pray about the IF drugs over the summer and if I feel like that's the road we are being led to then I will start back in the fall. We will see where the road leads! :)</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-85663154748464450792011-02-14T15:34:00.000-08:002011-02-14T15:34:23.728-08:00When it rains it pours... so why not dance in it!I have been really lazy about not blogging lately but we have been so busy! So this will actually address three subjects! First thing I have found a new doctor whom I LOVE! I had been using a Dr. who I have seen since I was 14, I liked her but I felt like she was little rushed and her bed side manner was to relaxed for me. I loved that when I was 16 but now as an infertile 23 year old it's a little different. I am now seeing Dr. Huggins at Brookwood, and we are so glad that we found him. He is very personable and compassionate, I feel like he truely cares how I feel and if I concieve. I actually made a list of questions for the Dr. and after a 45 minute consulation he asked me if I had any questions, well every question I had, he had already addressed. When we left I knew that he would be best for us. I am starting back on Birth Control this month ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY) but you are more likely to concieve right off the pill. The birth control will regulate my periods and make it easier for me to ovulate. It may not work but it's worth a try. We have actually considered just skipping a few pills and see what happens- it works for everybody else who is careless.... LOL! This month has been a little harder than most because I have had several baby showers, it's not that I mind going or helping, it's that feeling when you get home and you know that truthfully by now you should be coming home from your 2nd baby shower. But time has helped it will never go away but you learn to live with it and take one day at a time.<br />
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I bought a new car! I really didn't have an "old" car before but it was a 2008 Equinox. I bought the Equinox when we first started ttc. I was so happy when I got home with that car, I could picture car seats already and diaper bags car pools, etc. As time went on I started to think well maybe I shouldn't have jumped into such a big vehicle, but everyone around me was ttc and having lots of success. Finally I accepted that it would be a long time before I would fill that car with car seats or diaper bags. I honestly hated driving in that car because I knew that it's purpose was not being filled. I finally got off my sob story and decided that I was gong to get what I want, not what's "baby" safe or "baby" appropiate. So that's what I did, I bought a 2011 Chevy Malibu and I love it. I came very close to buying the Camaro, but I knew in the back of my mind that even if I wasn't pg within 5 years we would be adopting so we knew that Camaro may not be the best option. <br />
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Well Wednesday of last week I get a very disturbing phone call. Heath had cut 3 of his fingers off with a table saw. The fingers were barely attached. We had to ride in ambulance from SC Rescue to Shelby. At Shelby we had the E.R physcian and surgeon tell us Heath would have 3 fingers amputated lowest knuckle up. We transported to UAB to see another specialist. The E.R. doctor and surgeon at UAB both agreed Heath would have to lose those 3 fingers. The tendons and ligaments were unsalvageble. The bones were competely shattered beyond repair. After Heath has gone back for surgery the doctor comes out, which competely scared me to death, I thought something was wrong. To our suprise she came out and let me know that the ligaments and tendons were intact and the bones were fixable. We know that this was a miracle. We prayed for God to save Heath's fingers and he did. We know that without everyones prayers Heath would have indeed lost his fingers. This has really made me open my eyes to alot of things. Just because God isn't answering a paticular prayer doesn't mean that he isn't working on it. If I was pg now or had a newborn it would be nearly impossible for me to help Heath for the next 6 weeks. Now I see the importance of God's timing.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-47183887055911244302011-01-09T20:03:00.000-08:002011-01-09T20:03:42.679-08:00It's been while.... :)Wow! My last post was in November! So much has changed since we decided to put a "hold" on the fertility drugs. I am so glad we made that decision, I can finally say that I am truly at peace with our life. I have no idea what CD I am on, and I could careless! I of course still want to be a mother, but everyday that description grows on my heart in so many different ways. I am completely open to whatever God has in store to expand our family and in his time, not mine. I am sure many of you know that we recently became God Parents. Let me just say that there is no feeling like knowing that you have been chosen to be a part of a child's life. When we knew little Lexi was making her "debut" I was a nervous wreck, how am I going to be excited for my best friend when all I want is what she has. We actually stopped on the way and spent 1 1/2 in Marks Outdoors to just prepare ourselves that this might be harder than we thought. I was so completely blown away at how God can come in and bless you when you least expect it. Ever since I have met this wonderful little baby, it has showed me that it was their time to be parents. God will make us parents when it is our time. I have not once had any thoughts of " I want this" or "Why can't I have this', it has just been wow, what a perfect creation that he has made. I do think the medicine was just what we needed, not to get me pregnant, but to make me realize the power of our God. He is in complete control of our lives and we are just along for the ride. I cannot say that I won't go back to treatments, because if that's in the cards for us then he will lead me there. I just feel like right now I need to just sit back and let him work.I have a feeling that this blog is not going to be so much about infertility anymore, just more about our life and the people we love :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-82932968705101741082010-11-25T06:54:00.000-08:002010-11-25T06:54:47.790-08:00Dear Infertility.....Dear Infertility,<br />
I am over you. I will no longer let you consume my life. My world will no longer revolve around you and what "cycle day" it is and do I have enough tests. I thought the Holidays would be so hard this year, because we were sure by this time we would be pregnant or even holding our own baby. But it hasn't been, I'm ok with not being pregnant, I'm ok with not having a baby. Of course more than anything my heart desires to have a child, BUT only when God sees fit. We do not understand God's will or his timing but he has our best interest at heart. I do not want to look back and regret time wasted being mad or upset. It doesn't mean that I am not still hurt, or that some days I still want to scream, its just getting easier to deal with. We have the best support system we could ask for, and at the end of the day these things are what matter. I am so thankful for my family and my husband, I am so thankful for my friends and my job. I am especially thankful for God's plan in our life. So infertility kiss it.. :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-6864328543945175902010-11-14T17:30:00.000-08:002010-11-14T17:30:37.458-08:00It has to get easierIt has been a while since I have posted anything. This is my first month off infertility meds and I am feeling great. I have lost 6 pounds. I am still sad, and struggling but I am ok. I know that my heart will never heal until we have a child or adopt but it is getting a little easier everyday. I have been going to Zumba twice a week with some friends and its a great stress reliever. Its fun for our hubby's too because they get a break from us. LOL. My best friend is getting married next year and I have been consumed with planning her wedding so that has helped. We went and looked at dresses Saturday and had a great time. She is going to be a beautiful bride and has fabulous taste in wedding ideas. I have to say though, I was trying to have a good time and think about all the great things going on in our life, when it hit me. I saw all these mothers and brides and mother-in-laws looking so happy and sharing this special moment, and I realized I may never have this. It absolutely broke my heart. That's the thing with IF you never know when its going to hit, the littlest things trigger it and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I am having a harder time this month than I thought I would, but I am only human and I have got to stop thinking being strong is my only option. I have realized it's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad, it's even ok to mad. I know that God will see us through and everything he is doing is in our best interest, and I am not suppose to understand. One day I will look back at this time in our life and laugh and think wow, that's why. I also am feeling a strong pull towards going forward with adoption. On one hand I think its a little premature but on another I feel like that's in the cards for us, so why wait. God has sent two people to me in the past week with very similar stories and adoption stories that have really pulled on my heart. I am letting go and letting GOD.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-27905545152187641562010-11-03T18:50:00.000-07:002010-11-03T18:52:55.984-07:00even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger....I got the phone call today that I was dreading. I didn't ovulate, like I thought I did. My levels are very low so there is no way that I could be pregnant. I had been thinking for the past few weeks, about taking a breather from all this. So we have decided through the holidays we are not going to take infertility meds. I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The first time we discussed this, I felt like we were giving up. I hated feeling like I had been defeated but I have learned that we are not giving up. We are just taking time to prepare for a sweet baby that we know God will bless us with. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to let go, and that is where I am right now. I know that if we do not try treatments and see specialist and never conceive I would regret it the rest of my life but I also know that if I do not step away from the situation for a few months and gather my thoughts that one day I will regret spending my newlywed years obsessed with having a child. Before the infertility it was just me and Heath, and in the end I am content with that. I want nothing more than to have a child, but my marriage is just as important if not more than conceiving. I have such a wonderful husband who has never once not wanted to try any of these treatments and he continues to be supportive and always tells me its my choice, my body. I am so thankful to have the support group that I do. I do have the say it felt nice to throw those stupid ovulation test away.. Gah I'm such a rebel... HAHA. I would appreciate every ones prayers for the next 2 months for God to lead us in the direction that he feels fit for our lives. I do think we will continue were we left off, but I am just not sure how soon.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-63963315863997973932010-10-24T17:36:00.000-07:002010-10-24T17:36:11.509-07:00Sorry Officer, I just ovulatedWell I am on CD 13 and this is going to be a long 2ww. I am so excited about this month, I feel like a kid waiting on Christmas. I have been testing since CD 7, assuming it would be at least CD 15 or later before ovulation, not this month I had a positive reading on CD 12! It was a crazy day, I had to work late, I had my Aunt and Uncles housewarming shower, so I was having to test early because I would have been on the road at 2:00. So I am running out the door with my ovulation test in my napkin trying to get to Jemison. I am driving down the road on the phone and forgot that I had to check my test, so I look at the test and it was a bright as they come! I almost hit the car in front of me, there was a cop behind me so I was trying to think of how I could explain to the cop why I was distracted! All in all it was a great day! I do not go to the doctor until November 1, and I want know anything until later that week, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed! It would absolutely wonderful to be pregnant around the holidays, but I want God's will and timing if he sees fit for me to pregnant later, then so be it.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-53389587876294897472010-10-21T18:13:00.000-07:002010-10-21T18:17:39.885-07:00HaPPiNeSSSo I'm on CD 10 and I have started "testing". I have been getting some decent lines so Im sure that ovulation is on the way ;). I know that I am probably getting my hopes up, but I have such a good feeling about this month. I guess I am just being optimistic! I really am starting to understand more of the "why me" with the infertility issue. I have met so many special friends that I would not have if not for this awful disease. (If anyone is wondering it is considered a disease of the reproductive organs). I have had a few friends that I started the journey with, and a few friends I have met along the way. I have one who has become very special to Heath and I rather quickly and more recently. This couple is starting IVF very soon and with this not so casual decision comes alot of questions and paperwork. You have to actually designate a recipient of your embryos if something should happen to you and your spouse. We have been chosen by these friends to receive the embryos. I am so completely honored that someone feels that we are worthy of raising a part of them. It really got me thinking about how God works so mysteriously behind the scenes. While we are not watching things change and grow. If not for my infertility I would not be close to this friend. If not for infertility Heath and I would not have grown into the couple we have become. If not for infertility then I do not think I would have been the parent that IM GOING TO BE! I already have so much love for a child that has not even been conceived, I can only imagine the feeling of knowing that I have a child on the way but I also feel like that I do not have to be pregnant to be a mother, I just want to raise a child.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-65916576011098252562010-10-18T05:41:00.000-07:002010-10-18T05:41:09.974-07:00happy wife.. happy life heheWell I am only on cd 7 and I am so ready for this one to end. Not because I don't feel good, or because Im tired of all this (although Iam) I have a reallllly good feeling about this month! For the past few months I have been so upset if someone says, "maybe this is the month" all I could think is how dare you, you have no idea whats its like to dread going to the bathroom! LOL But I think I have come to the conclusion- What do I have to lose???? Why not be happy and look forward to it for a few months. It still hurts at the end of the month but for the first few weeks to be happy, its worth it! So I have to start testing today, with the stupid ovulation tests that I boycotted! I was in Walmart and I couldn't find our new best friend (Clear Blue digital). I found first response and on the top it said DIGITAL! So being naive and not reading I got it, come to find out it was just a coupon for a digital PG test so its still the same old test that I hate.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-68766120892393111732010-10-13T17:49:00.000-07:002010-10-13T17:49:43.470-07:00rose colored glasses... not so muchToday is CD 1 and I have started my 3rd round of Clomid. They have doubled my dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg. I was hoping this month would go as easy as the last two, but for me it seems double the dose- double the side effects. I have been so nauseous today, and sooo tired. I honestly could go to bed right now, and I probably will when I am through typing this.. LOL.I am sure when Im preggers I will look back at this and realize how small this is compared to some things but right now this could possibly be the worst thing in my life. There are so many things that I see differently now, and I honestly cannot help it, it just comes. Now when I see a pregnant woman I don't smile or walk past thinking how cute she is pregnant, I think why not me, when I see a Dad and his son I don't think about when I was little, I think why can't I give my husband that, when I see Grandparents with their grandchildren it makes me so sad that my parents and Heath's parents don't have that, and they may not.. That's the thing about IF that no one understands until you've been there, it DOESN'T always get better. Yeah there are people who over come this but its not a guarantee. Yes there is always adoption and IVF but those are not casual decisions. I just pray that God continues to give me strength, because he is the only one who can heal my soul and give me peace.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-9850443316206736912010-10-10T16:29:00.000-07:002010-10-10T16:32:42.242-07:00the waiting game....Well on Wednesday of last week, I had my progesterone injection. It was soooo much better than orally taking Provera. While I was on Provera I would get so so sick that I was almost non functional, but the only side effect of the injection has been mood swings, which my hubby can handle better than me being sick.I am currently in the waiting game, waiting on AF so we can try 100mg of Clomid. The past two months we have been on 50 mg. So I hope 100 is the magic number! It is hard to believe we only have 3 months left before more extensive treatment will be explored. I purchased my "thread" the other day, I am having a hard time getting the link to post! It is stirrup-queens infertilitys common thread, it is an article definitely worth reading! I think its safe to say that when they say tattoos are "addicting" they are correct. I have already been to have mine next tat priced and drawn! I am really excited about this one, its just one more daily reminder of God's promise that he will fill my hearts desire in his time.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-21731349906821729692010-10-03T18:41:00.000-07:002010-10-03T18:41:20.200-07:00Well they say 3rd times a charm... lets hope so!Well looks like we will be going for round 3 of Clomid. Last month was great, I was so excited that I ovulated, I think I would have told complete strangers if it was appropriate, this month not so much I wanted to hide in a cave and never come out. I felt this way for about 2 weeks, until today. I have been taking for granted so many things that I am blessed with. I have such a precious husband who loves me on good days and bad. He always knows what to say to make me feel better. I have such a great family, my mother is so special to me, she is truly my best friend, I know that if everyone in the world hated me, she could still find something for me to be thankful for. My dad is such a strong inspiration to me because he has always been my rock, he has never let anything defeat him, he is my iron man. I have a loving brother who would die for me if it meant that it would help me. I have been so consumed with our infertility that I had forgotten all the small things that made me who I am. Baby or no baby I have a great life and I am so very thankful for it. I have to get my hormone shot Wednesday... I hate these things but its only once a month. The doctor decided to up my dosage from 50mg to 100mg I realllly hope the side effects do not get worse. Its hard to believe that we are going on 3 months, but some days it feels like a life time. We will see how this month goes we just gotta pray and see what GOD has planned :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-17855162851174446832010-09-27T14:16:00.000-07:002010-09-27T14:16:53.748-07:00well its that time againWell tomorrow is my cd 21 follow up, any other time I would be ecstatic to see what they said. I would be telling the doctor I found the perfect day, and Ive been nauseous, could it be PG!?!? or is it just because I ovulated. Well not this time, I get to drive all the way to Brookwood at 7 am just for them to poke and probe and tell me what I already know... Im not PG and I didn't ovulate. Oh well I know it could be worse and its just "not my time" so you don't have to tell me*insert sarcasm here*. I also found a song that absolutely tells how I feel. It is " I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey. It is such a powerful song that really spoke to me this morning. I have to say the tattoo I got last week has really come in use this week. I can honestly say its a wonderful reminder of what we have been through and what is to come. I am very happy with it, and its has already served its purpose well!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-529031615038226612010-09-25T07:53:00.000-07:002010-09-25T07:54:14.531-07:00staying strong is easier said that done<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So today is cd 18, and it appears my meds didn't work this month. This can happen although I really hoped since they worked last month that this month would be the same. There is still a VERY small chance I could have missed my LH surge or could still ovulate today or tomorrow. I am not going to test anymore this cycle, I think it would be good for me just to take a break from it. It is what it is, so why worry. I know that God has a plan and I have turned it over to him but just because we know this doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. IF makes you feel inadequate, why is that a things so small as a bug can reproduce and I cant? It is completely different than when you are ttc and not knowing there are problems, you still get excited on cd 28 because you didn't start or on cd 22 you were nauseous, but for us our glimmer of hope is crushed on cd 13-18. When you don't ovulate there is no egg to be fertilized so I have to wait 2 weeks before my next period to start more meds and start this tiring process all over again. I am trying to take one day at a time but its alot easier said that done. I am trying with all my heart to be strong and not give up but as before that is easier said than done. I KNOW God has a plan , I KNOW that his timing is better than mine.. I KNOW that he can do miracles, but it still hurts, it still feels like you are in a closed room yelling and no one can hear you. All I can do know is just pray for peace and strength. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-67214544774941021672010-09-24T05:20:00.000-07:002010-09-24T05:20:27.022-07:00sometimes it gets overwhelming....<span style="background-color: cyan;">So today is CD 17 and last month CD 16 was the "day". Well this month it was not! I am not sure if I am going to be a day later or not. I am new to all this so this I just assumed that it would be around the same.. Oh well. It gets so overwhelming because everyone says don't worry bout, don't think about it, have fun, well its kinda hard to do any of these when you are having to track everything you do. Here in the past week I have heard of a pregnancy everyday! I mean dang I think when it rains it pours.. LOL I was really hoping this month would be the month for us not just because we have been dealing with IF for so long but there would be a special due date. My uncle died 8 years ago on June 14, my birthday is June 15, and the due date would be roughly between June 12-17. I just thought you it would have been a happy time for us and my family for once around that time of the year. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-59873130223481588772010-09-22T04:55:00.000-07:002010-09-22T04:55:03.756-07:00CD 15 not feeling so goodSo today is cd 15 I ovulated on cd 16 last month and I really hope this continues. I am having headaches like I did last month and the same "symptoms". I am having to test daily and the worst part is that I have to test between 10:00 and 12:00 so I am having to test during work. Which I work with great girls and they keep it from being so awkward. I just know they get tired of hearing about it. I think this is the first month in a long time that I am truly at peace with this whole thing. I guess we have just "accepted" that this could be our life, just us and Im ok with that. I know its still so early in our treatment but I just don't know how far I want to go with it. I think there is nothing wrong with IUI OR IVF I just don't know if I want to go there right now. I use to say that I would never do Fertility Drugs because if God wanted me to have a baby I would, well we all know he has a sense of humor ;) .This experience has changed my perception so much. How dare we as humans think that we can "interfere" with GODS will. No life is created without his hand, he breathes the life in us and we can do all the medicine in the world but if its not his WILL it won't happen. I think that is the one of the many things I hate hearing about IF, I hate to hear close minded opinions on something that you are not having to go through, when you are taking medicine that makes you crazy, have hot flashes, and want to kill someone around you then you can tell me what I should or shouldn't do :).Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-36938162561593277122010-09-21T04:49:00.000-07:002010-09-21T04:49:18.362-07:00I think Im in love... ok not literally but kinda closeSo last month was our first round of clomid. This is month two and when you are prescribed an IF drug there are things that come with it. You can't just forget about pregnancy and "hope " it works, As much as I wish this was true it isnt. So some of things include tracking your cycles, ovualtion testing, temp. checks. bloodwork, etc. I used the First Response Ovulation tests last month. I loved how they had so many in a bag considering you pay $50.00 for something that could help or not help but thats beside the point. All we wanted was that postitive ovulation, if we could just get that we would be happy for the month. Well we did, I was so excited just to be normal, for once I did something I had never done and that was a great feeling. What I hated about the test was that the resembled pregnancy test so much, They are just like a pg test, they have two pink lines and when both lines are the brightest then you are ovulating. Well when you are going through IF and KNOW that you may NEVER get two pink lines it is hard to look at them for two weeks then go right back to one line on the BFN pg test! So we have boycotted First Response (LOL) and I have found a new love by the name of Clear Blue DIGITAL Ovulation Test. It is so easy and it is either a smiley face if you are ovulating and if not then its just a circle. It has been a much easier thing to do this month.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1070617141556873857.post-83546937780970961282010-09-20T17:34:00.000-07:002010-09-20T17:34:32.910-07:00CD 13<strong><span style="background-color: magenta; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Well Today is cd 13. I am due for ovualtion any day now. Last month it was on day 16 but with this being so sparatic all the time I never know I just basically have to test everyday 2 times just to make sure I dont miss the big moment! Infertlity meds have pretty rough side effects, I have had really bad headaches and hot flashes. Last month I just had hot flashes and nausea. I am glad to be rid of the nausea but man these headaches are pretty intense. I go to the doctor to have my progesterone levels checked on CD 21, which completely messes up my schedule because I have to drive all the way to Brookwood at 8 am then come back to work! But on a better note I think I could have completely lost my mind today.. LOL I just went spur of the moment and got a tattoo! I love it though I got "FAITH" in Hebrew. I chose it because everytime I look at it I think about Gods plan for our lives and how we are living on 'Faith alone' right now which is were I got my blog name. I asked Heath if I could tell the doctor one of my side effects this month was getting a tattoo! LOL</span></strong>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05628937825136380018noreply@blogger.com1