well its that time again

Well tomorrow is my cd 21 follow up, any other time I would be ecstatic to see what they said. I would be telling the doctor I found the perfect day, and Ive been nauseous, could it be PG!?!? or is it just because I ovulated. Well not this time, I get to drive all the way to Brookwood at 7 am just for them to poke and probe and tell me what I already know... Im not PG and I didn't ovulate. Oh well I know it could be worse and its just "not my time" so you don't have to tell me*insert sarcasm here*. I also found a song that absolutely tells how I feel. It is " I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey. It is such a powerful song that really spoke to me this morning.  I have to say the tattoo I got last week has really come in use this week. I can honestly say its a wonderful reminder of what we have been through and what is to come. I am very happy with it, and its has already served its purpose well!

staying strong is easier said that done

So today is cd 18, and it appears my meds didn't work this month. This can happen although I really hoped since they worked last month that this month would be the same. There is still a VERY small chance I could have missed my LH surge or could still ovulate today or tomorrow. I am not going to test anymore this cycle, I think it would be good for me just to take a break from it. It is what it is, so why worry. I know that God has a plan and I have turned it over to him but just because we know this doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. IF makes you feel inadequate, why is that a things so small as a bug can reproduce and I cant? It is completely different than when you are ttc and not knowing there are problems, you still get excited on cd 28 because you didn't start or on cd 22 you were nauseous, but for us our glimmer of hope is crushed on cd 13-18. When you don't ovulate there is no egg to be fertilized so I have to wait 2 weeks before my next period to start more meds and start this tiring process all over again. I am trying to take one day at a time but its alot easier said that done. I am trying with all my heart to be strong and not give up but as before that is easier said than done. I KNOW God has a plan , I KNOW that his timing is better than mine.. I KNOW that he can do miracles, but it still hurts, it still feels like you are in a closed room yelling and no one can hear you. All I can do know is just pray for peace and strength.

sometimes it gets overwhelming....

So today is CD 17 and last month CD 16 was the "day". Well this month it was not! I am not sure if I am going to be a day later or not. I am new to all this so this I just assumed that it would be around the same.. Oh well. It gets so overwhelming because everyone says don't worry bout, don't think about it, have fun, well its kinda hard to do any of these when you are having to track everything you do. Here in the past week I have heard of a pregnancy everyday! I mean dang I think when it rains it pours.. LOL I was really hoping this month would be the month for us not just because we have been dealing with IF for so long but there would be a special due date. My uncle died 8 years ago on June 14, my birthday is June 15, and the due date would be roughly between June 12-17. I just thought you it would have been a happy time for us and my family for once around that time of the year.

CD 15 not feeling so good

So today is cd 15 I ovulated on cd 16 last month and I really hope this continues. I am having headaches like I did last month and the same "symptoms". I am having to test daily and the worst part is that I have to test between 10:00 and 12:00 so I am having to test during work. Which I work with great girls and they keep it from being so awkward. I just know they get tired of hearing about it. I think this is the first month in a long time that I am truly at peace with this whole thing. I guess we have just "accepted" that this could be our life, just us and Im ok with that. I know its still so early in our treatment but I just don't know how far I want to go with it. I think there is nothing wrong with IUI OR IVF I just don't know if I want to go there right now. I use to say that I would never do Fertility Drugs because if God wanted me to have a baby I would, well we all know he has a sense of humor ;) .This experience has changed my perception so much. How dare we as humans think that we can "interfere" with GODS will. No life is created without his hand, he breathes the life in us and we can do all the medicine in the world but if its not his WILL it won't happen. I think that is the one of the many things I hate hearing about IF, I hate to hear close minded opinions on something that you are not having to go through, when you are taking medicine that makes you crazy, have hot flashes, and want to kill someone around you then you can tell me what I should or shouldn't do :).

I think Im in love... ok not literally but kinda close

So last month was our first round of clomid. This is month two and when you are prescribed an IF drug there are things that come with it. You can't just forget about pregnancy and "hope " it works, As much as I wish this was true it isnt. So some of things include tracking your cycles, ovualtion testing, temp. checks. bloodwork, etc. I used the First Response Ovulation tests last month. I loved how they had so many in a bag considering you pay $50.00 for something that could help or not help but thats beside the point. All we wanted was that postitive ovulation, if we could just get that we would be happy for the month. Well we did, I was so excited just to be normal, for once I did something I had never done and that was a great feeling. What I hated about the test was that the resembled pregnancy test so much, They are just like a pg test, they have two pink lines and when both lines are the brightest then you are ovulating. Well when you are going through IF and KNOW that you may NEVER get two pink lines it is hard to look at them for two weeks then go right back to one line on the BFN pg test! So we have boycotted First Response (LOL) and I have found a new love by the name of Clear Blue DIGITAL Ovulation Test. It is so easy and it is either a smiley face if you are ovulating and if not then its just a circle. It has been a much easier thing to do this month.

CD 13

Well Today is cd 13.  I am due for ovualtion any day now. Last month it was on day 16 but with this being so sparatic all the time I never know I just basically have to test everyday 2 times just to make sure I dont miss the big moment! Infertlity meds have pretty rough side effects, I have had really bad headaches and hot flashes. Last month I just had hot flashes and nausea. I am glad to be rid of the nausea but man these headaches are pretty intense. I go to the doctor to have my progesterone levels checked on CD 21, which completely messes up my schedule because I have to drive all the way to Brookwood at 8 am  then come back to work! But on a better note I think I could have completely lost my mind today.. LOL  I just went spur of the moment and got a tattoo! I love it though I got "FAITH" in Hebrew. I chose it because everytime I look at it I think about Gods plan for our lives and how we are living on 'Faith alone' right now which is were I got my blog name. I asked Heath if I could tell the doctor one of my side effects this month was getting a tattoo! LOL