Dear Infertility.....

Dear Infertility,
I am over you. I will no longer let you consume my life. My world will no longer revolve around you and what "cycle day" it is and do I have enough tests. I thought the Holidays would be so hard this year, because we were sure by this time we would be pregnant or  even holding our own baby. But it hasn't been, I'm ok with not being pregnant, I'm ok with not having a baby. Of course more than anything my heart desires to have a child, BUT only when God sees fit. We do not understand God's will or his timing but he has our best interest at heart. I do not want to look back and regret time wasted being mad or upset. It doesn't mean that I am not still hurt, or that some days I still want to scream, its just getting easier to deal with. We have the best support system we could ask for, and at the end of the day these things are what matter. I am so thankful for my family and my husband, I am so thankful for my friends and my job. I am especially thankful for God's plan in our life. So infertility kiss it.. :)

It has to get easier

It has been a while since I have posted anything. This is my first month off infertility meds and I am feeling great. I have lost 6 pounds. I am still sad, and struggling but I am ok. I know that my heart will never heal until we have a child or adopt but it is getting a little easier everyday. I have been going to Zumba twice a week with some friends and its a great stress reliever. Its fun for our hubby's too because they get a break from us. LOL. My best friend is getting married next year and I have been consumed with planning her wedding so that has helped. We went and looked at dresses Saturday and had a great time. She is going to be a beautiful bride and has fabulous taste in wedding ideas. I have to say though, I was trying to have a good time and think about all the great things going on in our life, when it hit me. I saw all these mothers and brides and mother-in-laws looking so happy and sharing this special moment, and I realized I may never have this. It absolutely broke my heart. That's the thing with IF you never know when its going to hit, the littlest things trigger it and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I am having a harder time this month than I thought I would, but I am only human and I have got to stop thinking being strong is my only option. I have realized it's ok to cry, it's ok to be sad, it's even ok to mad. I know that God will see us through and everything he is doing is in our best interest, and I am not suppose to understand. One day I will look back at this time in our life and laugh and think wow, that's why. I also am feeling a strong pull towards going forward with adoption. On one hand I think its a little premature but on another I feel like that's in the cards for us, so why wait. God has sent two people to me in the past week with very similar stories and adoption stories that have really pulled on my heart. I am letting go and letting GOD.

even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger....

I got the phone call today that I was dreading. I didn't ovulate, like I thought I did. My levels are very low so there is no way that I could be pregnant. I had been thinking for the past few weeks, about taking a breather from all this. So we have decided through the holidays we are not going to take infertility meds. I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The first time we discussed this, I felt like we were giving up. I hated feeling like I had been defeated but I have learned that we are not giving up. We are just taking time to prepare for a sweet baby that we know God will bless us with. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to let go, and that is where I am right now. I know that if we do not try treatments and see specialist  and never conceive I would regret it the rest of my life but I also know that if I do not step away from the situation for a few months and gather my thoughts that one day I will regret spending my newlywed years obsessed with having a child. Before the infertility it was just me and Heath, and in the end I am content with that. I want nothing more than to have a child, but my marriage is just as important if not more than conceiving. I have such a wonderful husband who has never once not wanted to try any of these treatments and he continues to be supportive and always tells me its my choice, my body. I am so thankful to have the support group that I do. I do have the say it felt nice to throw those stupid ovulation test away.. Gah I'm such a rebel... HAHA. I would appreciate every ones prayers for the next 2 months for God to lead us in the direction that he feels fit for our lives. I do think we will continue were we left off, but I am just not sure how soon.