"Dear Lord, prepare and make me a vessel"

So, I am about to tell you a story of how God has taken heartache and turned into beauty. I still have a hard time comprehending the love that was invloved on many ends. So hear goes.....
As you know, my sweet G is adopted. Through his adoption I have had the privlege of meeting and speaking with many people who I wouldnt have had G not entered my life. I  have  gained and lost many friends through the years. A lot due to me not being able to deal with the life around me. Oe friend that did stick is Tiffeny. Maybe because we were both so far gone we could understand each other. Maybe because our conversation s only consisted of our disgust for bad parenting or pregnant women who didnt appreciate the ability to conceive.  I know one thing that is certain,  that God kept that friendship around for reasons we wouldnt have ever fathomed.
Over the past 2 years I have prayed for God to open the door for Gunner to one day be joined by a sibling.  I have had the privlege of speaking with a few birth moms, all whom couragesly chose to keep their precious babies.  With my job I come in contact with several walks of life on a daily basis. I recieved a call the week before Christmas.  It was a birth mom who obtained my info with hopes of us adopting her soon to be born son. Heath and I discussed it and deciced to give it a try. All night I laid and couldnt get any sleep. I kept asking God, what shoukd I do? You know my heart,  you know how badly we want a sibling for Gunner? Why am I not excited and grateful. I prayed for God to give me peace or show me the purpose of that call. When I finally drifted off to sleep I saw Tiffeny holding a baby and crying. My heart was happy and I was in tears as well. I woke up and realized what thidmmeant. Selfishly I laid there and pondered what I knew needed to be done. I woke Heath up asked him what he thought of my plan. He was in agreeance. It was midnight but I knew I couldnt wait until morning to call. When Tiffeny answered I was nervous.  I thought for sure she was going to think I had really lost it. Within a day she knew her prayers had been answered and would soon be a mommy.  The past month has shown me that God can use anyone you just have to be willing to do what he asks even when your head is questioning your heart. Seeing a deserving person become a mother is so wonderful. I have come to the realzation that every child that comes into my path may not br mine anf that is ok.  God took an impossible and made it possible once again and I am honored I could be apart of it. Baby James you are a miracle and loved by so many. One day you will tell your story and know that God has a hand in your life.

the best years of your life are far from over

With school starting back up tomorrow I can't help but think back on my 'glory' days. Many moons ago I stumbled into Shelby County High School as a preppy, snotty, smart mouthed teenager. I thought I was invincible. I had many friends, I was very involved with extra curricular activities, and I was secretly terrified. I had so many expectations of how my life would turn out. I would graduate, go to college, party it up, join a sorority, and meet some hot athlete who would eventually go pro. With all this in my mind, life looked pretty awesome. I would eventually settle down, have as many babies as God would give me and be super mom. High school is rough no doubt. Everyone tells you 'these are the best days of your lives' and I have to disagree. That snotty, smart mouthed teen has grown up and been through the ringer and I have you know 'the best days of your lives' are far from over. One day you are fearless headed into the real world, the next you are knocked down with reality and the bittersweet of life as an adult. You realize you are lucky to have a handful of good friends, and maybe one or two best friends. You realize words hurt when you aren't the one spewing them out. You realize that all these plans you had or no more than day dreams. When you get married at 19 because you are so in love you couldn't imagine another day without them and you swore you never would marry before you 'lived a little.' You grow up with your spouse in the big old world and learn that life isn't fair, bad things happen to good people and there isn't really anything you can do about it. In the middle of all this chaos something happens. You grow up,you mature, and you realize how completely and undeservingly blessed  you are. Every trial and tribulation is preparing you for what's to come. When life comes together it all fits like a puzzle and their are still a few missing pieces but you know not to worry, in due time they will come. You take a deep breath and realize these are the best years of your life. Every day is a gift not to be taken for granted. The best days of your lives are everyday from here on out. It only gets better, you just have to choose to see the good even when it seems impossible.

I will wait for you...

It has been a few weeks since I have time to post but I finally have a little mommy time tonight so here goes! ;)


I do a lot of my soul searching while driving. Sometimes I have the radio blasting and sometimes it is completely silent. A few weeks ago I was driving down 42, it is a long country road. I was listening to Mumford and Sons " I will wait, I will wait for you" and singing along. All day I had been thinking of how I wanted Gunner to have siblings and how my whole life I had planned every little detail of how many children, how close in age etc. Well lets just be real... the chances of us birthing Gunner a sibling is slim to none and adoption is not an easy task. Yes it can be done but it is quite pricey and we were just unbelievably blessed the first go around. I was getting sadder and sadder allowing the devil to steal my joy. I promise God spoke to me through song. I was singing and as I said the words " I will wait for you" God reminded me of how we waited for Gunner and how it payed off. It was like he was telling me, be still child, I will provide the desires of your heart. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God WILL provide Gunner with brothers and or sisters. I will be a mother again and what a joyful day that will be. So all this is said because today I was driving down 42 again.. this road must be my portal to God ;)... I was in complete silence. I got to thinking of how we have a gender reveal party for my sis-in-law this weekend. I am all about honesty and I am gonna give it straight.. I was a little jealous in my thoughts. I kept thinking, we should be trying for a baby now with the age Gunner is if my plans had played out. I always wanted to have my babies close in age. All of my friends constantly talk about when they will try for more, or how long they want to wait. It is sometimes akward because we don't really have that option. Of course people innocently ask now, " When do you want another one"? Well obviously anytime, we will take what we can get! I was just thinking of how I wanted Gunner to have a buddy close to his age, a little sister to take care of or a little brother to show how to play ball or camp out. Immediately God spoke to me again... I realized my plans may not have panned out but God did the next best thing. He is giving Gunner a little cousin in September. That will be like a sibling to Gunner. God did answer my prayer, he is giving a beautiful baby to wonderful parents and Gunner a best friend. See sometimes plans don't work out the way we orignally want but they always work out best in Gods timing. What I am trying to say is, God has a wonderful plan if we will just accept it and go along for the ride things always make more sense in rewind. I am so thankful that even when I am down or not so optimistic God picks me up and shows me a different light. None the less we are so greatful for our sweet baby and if that is the only baby in our little family he is plenty, our hearts are full! That child has brought more smiles, laughter, and love to my life than I will ever be able to explain.

And on the night, they found a miracle

So many know the story of  my sweet Gunner's arrival into the world and many don't. As I have said before God gave me a testimony and I feel like I am supposed to tell it. With that being said I will tell you a little story of how we stumbled upon a miracle.

Lets start with June 24,2012. It was a normal day, we had breakfast with some friends, did some shopping and planned to have a "lazy day".  It was around 3 pm and I saw on facebook where a friend was in labor. I was also having horrible pains which I was assuming was my endometriosis acting up. I was so sad, we were sitting there childless, in pain at that while everyone around us was having babies. I went to bed that night with such a heavy heart, I was so broken down and honestly did not know if I could stand the pain anymore. I realized my marriage was failing, my body was failing, and there was not a thing I could do about it. Then I remembered I couldn't but God could. It had beeen a long time since God and I were on civil speaking terms. I prayed so hard that night, I apologized mainly for being such a brat when I was indeed blessed and was choosing not to see that. I prayed for God to heal my heart, take the pain, and bless us with a child IN HIS TIME. I gave it away, for the first time in a long time I gave it up and let it go. I was so tired, I was so weak, I knew I couldn't continue this heart wrenching journey. I went to bed more peacefully than I ever had before. The next morning Heath got up extremely early. It alarmed me and he said he was just going to water the flowers and have some "me" time.  Around 8:30 I woke up for the day and recieved a message from a family friend. It read please call ASAP. I immediately assumed the worst and was honestly scared to call. I called anyways, I can remember standing in my living room when the other line picked up. I was a nervous wreck already and she said" I don't really know how to say this but are you intresting in adopting"? I was taken back for a second, really not sure how to answer. I said "Of course we are intrested but we don't really have the income right now and I am a little confused". She went on to tell me of a little boy who was needing a home, he was only a day old and was completely heatlhy and unexpected.
I immediately went into tears, I explained I needed to speak with Heath but we were very interested. I called my mom, she was in such shock she couldn't believe what I was saying, I called my mother in law and all she could do was cry. I was patiently waiting on Heath to call me on his morning break. He called, I of course could not stop the water works, he said we would need to talk about this when he got home because this was not a rash decision to be made. I recieved another phone call from the family friend wanting to know if I wanted to meet the baby and birth mother. I thought about it and headed to the hospital. Heath had no idea I had went to meet our son, he thought I would be waiting on him at home. The moment I held Gunner he was mine. I had an immediate bond that I knew was only between a momma and a baby. Heath called in the middle of this "bonding" time. He was sorta mad at first, he couldn't believe that I had went without him and was scared that this was to good to be true. Heath came to the hospital and knew the moment he held him that we were taking him home. That night we were put in our own room and was holding our baby boy, a family completed. That night Heath told me, "remember when I told you I was watering flowers? I was actually praying, praying for a baby". It hit me all at once, God had answered my prayer, the prayer I had prayed only one night before. That is the kind of God I serve. As a christian I know that there will be heartache and things will not always be rosy, but God makes all the trials well worth it. If it wasn't for the rain, we could not appreciate the rainbow. There is no greater peace than after a storm. I am so thankful God never gave up on me, he never treated me the way I treated him, and he loved me through it. So as you can see, we have us a miracle.

How Great is our God!

Since my last post, so much has changed. I am now a mother. The reason I started this blog was for infertility. I was angry, I was sad, I was depressed and I was broken. I became a mother June 25, 2012 via adoption. I am so thankful God did not treat me the way I treated him. Our beautiful son Gunner Lee Smith was born on June 24,2012. We met him when he was a day old. I could not ask for a more perfect gift from God. I knew when God gave me this story of infertility he had a plan for my life but I honestly did not realize how great a plan it was. I had prayed from the beginning for God to give me a beautiful story and oh how sweet and beautiful is our story. Gunner was not planned by his precious birth mother, and she wanted more for her sweet boy. I am so grateful God put her in our life. Although it is a closed adoption if Gunner chooses to know her one day we will completely support his decision. I know that when God created Gunner he created him for us. He looks like us, he acts like us, he loves like us, and he is such a happy baby. They say if you feed someone for long enough they will start to resemble you, I guess that is true.. lol. I want Gunner to know how special he is. He was chosen by God and by our family.Adoption is a precious gift from God and I am honored to be a part of it. I hope this blog will continue to help my friends with IF and maybe inspire them to take te next step towards adoption. God gave me a testimony and I intend on telling anyone who will listen.

I was actually getting on here to dwell in my own self pity, which I haven't really done in a while. Well of course when I think things are just not going the way they should God sends reality to smack me in the face. So many times we are so self consumed that we don't notice God working around us. #1 Heath got a fantastic report from the doctor today, many times she told him how "lucky" he was to still have his fingers and still have mobility. #2 I sign on to start my blog and decide I am gonna blog stalk some people. I never really just browse blogs, but I decided to tonight. I am glancing and the first two blogs that pop up happen to be a little 4 year old girl with leukemia and a 37 year old woman with Breast Cancer. It makes me feel so blessed and appreciative that we are not on that kind of journey. If this is the worst thing our marriage will face in the future, wow we have it made. So many times we think things cannot be any worse or how dare things not go our way, but the reality is that so many times we are taking for granted what so many wish to have. I may be wishing for a baby, but someone else could be just wanting a safe and stable home or a cure to their disease. I use to ask WHY so many times to God, but now I am seeing that maybe this infertlity journey has nothing to do with babies. I am seeing that it opens your eyes to see that sometimes people around you are hurting and need someone just as much as you do.

Today is our 3 year anniversary. I am so thnakful to have such a sweet husband, we went shopping and had lunch at Chuy's. We had never ate there and decided we wanted something different, and it was very good. They have fabulous raspberry margaritas also. I enjoyed spending the day with Heath, I have always wanted a pair of costa sunglasses, but never really wanted to spend the money on them, so Heath talked me into buying some today. It is hard to believe we have been married for 3 years, somedays it seems like yesterday and somedays it seems like we have been married for 10 years. I am so thankful for my relationship with my husband, we have a very open relationship and I feel like I can talk to him about anything, from my friends hurting my feelings to what I am going to wear to work. He is defintely a blessing to me.

We have started back on birth control. It makes me sick and I honestly hate taking it, but I know that I need something to regulate my periods and hormones. It's either birth control or fertility drugs, I am just not ready for the fertility drugs right now, things just seem so calm and peaceful I don't won't to disrupt what we have for now. I know that Heath is fine with doing either of these but the Clomid makes me so ill, bloated, and emotional and right now he needs me more than I need the fertility drugs. I am going to continue to pray about the IF drugs over the summer and if I feel like that's the road we are being led to then I will start back in the fall. We will see where the road leads! :)

When it rains it pours... so why not dance in it!

I have been really lazy about not blogging lately but we have been so busy! So this will actually address three subjects! First thing I have found a new doctor whom I LOVE! I had been using a Dr. who I have seen since I was 14, I liked her but I felt like she was little rushed and her bed side manner was to relaxed for me. I loved that when I was 16 but now as an infertile 23 year old it's a little different. I am now seeing Dr. Huggins at Brookwood, and we are so glad that we found him. He is very personable and compassionate, I feel like he truely cares how I feel and if I concieve. I actually made a list of questions for the Dr. and after a 45 minute consulation he asked me if I had any questions, well every question  I had, he had already addressed. When we left I knew that he would be best for us. I am starting back on Birth Control this month ( I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY) but you are more likely to concieve right off the pill. The birth control will regulate my periods and make it easier for me to ovulate. It may not work but it's worth a try. We have actually considered just skipping a few pills and see what happens- it works for everybody else who is careless.... LOL! This month has been a little harder than most because I have had several baby showers, it's not that I mind going or helping, it's that feeling when you get home and you know that truthfully by now you should be coming home from your 2nd baby shower. But time has helped it will never go away but you learn to live with it and take one day at a time.

I bought a new car! I really didn't have an "old" car before but it was a 2008 Equinox. I bought the Equinox when we first started ttc. I was so happy when I got home with that car, I could picture car seats already and diaper bags car pools, etc. As time went on I started to think well maybe I shouldn't have jumped into such a big vehicle, but everyone around me was ttc and having lots of success. Finally I accepted that it would be a long time before I would fill that car with car seats or diaper bags.  I honestly hated driving in that car because I knew that it's purpose was not being filled. I finally got off my sob story and decided that I was gong to get what I want, not what's "baby" safe or "baby" appropiate. So that's what I did, I bought a 2011 Chevy Malibu and I love it. I came very close to buying the Camaro, but I knew in the back of my mind that even if I wasn't pg within 5 years we would be adopting so we knew that Camaro may not be the best option.

Well Wednesday of last week I get a very disturbing phone call. Heath had cut 3 of his fingers off with a table saw. The fingers were barely attached. We had to ride in ambulance from SC Rescue to Shelby. At Shelby we had the E.R physcian and surgeon tell us Heath would have 3 fingers amputated lowest knuckle up. We transported to UAB to see another specialist. The E.R. doctor and surgeon at UAB both agreed Heath would have to lose those 3 fingers. The tendons and ligaments were unsalvageble. The bones were competely shattered beyond repair. After Heath has gone back for surgery the doctor comes out, which competely scared me to death, I thought something was wrong. To our suprise she came out and let me know that the ligaments and tendons were intact and the bones were fixable. We know that this was a miracle. We prayed for God to save Heath's fingers and he did. We know that without everyones prayers Heath would have indeed lost his fingers. This has really made me open my eyes to alot of things. Just because God isn't answering a paticular prayer doesn't mean that he isn't working on it. If I was pg now or had a newborn it would be nearly impossible for me to help Heath for the next 6 weeks. Now I see the importance of God's timing.